Can you remember what your life was like? I know many Bible scriptures mentions not to dwell on the past. Hell, there's many inspirational quotes that remind us of that! Some really morbid ones at that, but every now and then looking back can be a good thing ...
This weekend I had a moment where I was so proud of myself that I wanted to blast it out to the universe but I couldn't - I had no megaphone and I think the few lost souls on the beach would have thought I was losing the plot.
For the biggest part of my married life I was a good person, a good wife and an excellent mother. As with many marriages, a certain time came where my smooth ride took a bit of a detour. I wanted more from my ex that he could ever offer me and all I wanted to do was escape. I made some really bad decisions in. my quest to feel anything really. After a whirlwind of. crazy adventures (whilst married) I ended up on the most beautiful secluded beach with a man (not my ex) I thought I loved. It was like a true fairy tale, we thought we were the only people on planet earth, and for a while, the little bit of selfishness made me (us) feel alive. It was kinda like that sunshine and roses part of a really good romantic comedy, perfect warm, relatable love song playing in the background. That part that makes you feel warm and fuzzy before the predictable inner turmoil of the main character destroys the good vibes only to reunite with his loved one in the end. Good old warm and fuzzy end.
Skip two years later and I find myself at the same spot, this time alone. I am reflecting on the past but this time around, for the first time in a long time, it was a good thing. I remember the old me, what I looked like, what I said and done and I could not believe how far I have come. What do I mean by that? I have grown, no not in weight, but in my thoughts (thank goodness). I am not the scared, lost and wanting to escape woman anymore. I am creating a life with hope, I am not escaping but taking in the beauty that surrounds me - God's creation. My breathing is not shallow anymore and I feel like I am floating on water. There is a new journey in front of me, don't think I have my shit together but, for now, I will soak up the new me. Brave and not broken. Always remember: You are not your past!
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